[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot