Education is vital
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
A leaf blower, but for people.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Auto correct is my worst enema.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.