Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
You Might Also Like
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.