God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.