Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.