*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Noah
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
❤️🦆
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Flock of bats
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.