[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You Might Also Like
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye