This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.