Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
i want to work in this restaurant
Your honor these allegations are