Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
How wrong was this guy?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*