Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.