When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
You Might Also Like
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.