Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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Oceanography is all about current events
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
There’s always that one guy
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.