I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A little too much information.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.