In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I only eat vegetarians.
seems like a niche market
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.