*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
They’re on their honeymoon
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE