[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Holy shit he’s back
Put this video in the Louvre
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this