When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”