Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
2022 will be better than 2021
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
hi why am I like this
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”