Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“Wait, let me explain..”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”