I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
no their not
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
who did the taste test?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.