My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Hotels are back
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.