So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Kids: Stay in school.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My plans: 2020:
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Well, this certainly took a turn
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.