Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Breaking news:
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️