Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.