*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.