I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Schrödinger’s cookie
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed