The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’m confused about plants
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
It’s an epidemic…
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.