knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”