Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.