Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.