Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
President The Rock Obama
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.