Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for