SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.