(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Proctology is located in A55
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first