They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.