I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
You Might Also Like
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Chicken bread
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of