The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Herpes is trending, good job people
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest