haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
🤣🤣🤣
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(