Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”