I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
the three genders
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
@ candidates for local office
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda