50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
guys I’m going home
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.