Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?