Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
want me to check your oil?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!