Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
how it started vs how it ended
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless