my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Sing it!
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.