My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS