The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
When you kidnap a writer.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking