Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.