You Might Also Like
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Usage Guidelines
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.